KINGSHIP....But at what price??

Oh why? Why am I regretting? Why am I not happy? My dream has finally been realized!All those fantasizing has become a reality. I can dress in all those silk dresses,own as many jewels as I like. I should be rejoicing, celebrating the success of the coronation. But....WHY AM I NOT FEELING THAT WAY???? I feel so depressed and insecure! I do not know what to do. I would rather be like Duncan,dead, than to be alive- living with remorse. But, I cannot let my emotions show. I must keep up the facade, I MUST! but this is so tiring.. yet, I MUST! Why? Because I do not want to allow these emotion-thingamajigs I deemed as milk of human kindness, to trouble my husband. I must remain strong for him, give him my fullest of support. Be his pillar of strength, his right hand woman.Thus, I can show the sincerity of my love for him.

However, Macbeth too seems to be downcast. I wonder what’s wrong! He spends his time alone by himself with only his thoughts as companions. He does not mingle about, socialising with the guests. He says that we have only put the problems at a distance but have not dealt with the root of all these problems. But I do not know what he is talking about. He thinks our positions are far from being safe, but from what? He also fears that we will spend the rest of our lives in terror and dream of nightmares night and day. He even thought of death as a solution from all these guilt. He also envies Duncan, saying that by killing him, Macbeth has removed all his problems and burdens. I feel that he is thinking too much.

My dearest love, all I wanted was for you to be happy, but now it seems that the murder of Duncan has made you miserable. You should let bygones be bygones. Do not dwell on the past. Look towards our bright future as King and Queen. When the banquet begins, be a gracious host, mingle with the guests and do not let your troubles affect your countenance. Smile! Be of good cheer! Welcome them with open arms.

But that does not concern me the most. The thing that concerns me the most is Macbeth. He really is distancing himself from me. In the past, he would share his deepest secrets with me, but now he is talking in riddles and does not confide in me his secrets and plans. He agreed to my advice but he also instructed me to do the same. Be hospitable to Banquo, pay special attention to him and do not let your true feelings show on your face- these were Macbeth's instructions to me. But then, he said that his mind was full of malicious thoughts with regards to the fact that Banquo and Fleance, his son, lives. But why? They will not live forever so why worry? Macbeth also told me to rejoice when a deed is done as something terrible will happen to them.But what deed?? He would not answer my plead and instead asked me to be ignorant. He also commanded the night to become dark and the stars to be covered so that they would not see the deed being committed. Just as I had suspected Macbeth is indeed hiding something from me! what deed?!?!?!

My beloved, why all this secrecy? Do you not trust me? All the guilt, the secrecy- are these the price for kingship? sometimes i ask myself if all the trouble that we've gone throughis really worth it or not. i can't sleep well and neither can Macbeth and our relationship has been so strained lately... maybe Thane of Cawdor was better for Macbeth than king os Scotland. Honey, please smile... at least for me. or do i not matter to you anymore?